Updated: Mar 26
What is warfare? According to Merriam-Webster is Military operations between enemies and struggle between competing entities.
As Christians we know this all too well, we call it spiritual warfare. We live in a constant war with the enemy (satan). This year for me was a year unlike any other. Spiritual warfare practically defeated me; the enemy got a grip of me and I couldn't release the grip no matter what I did and notice there is an emphasis on the I.
How does one fall so hard? I wish I could sit here and write I don't know but the reality is I know too well why I fell so hard. I lost sight! I lost sight of not only myself but most importantly of God and his message and desires for me. I was living pretending to have him in my life and in my heart when in reality I was living for me and doing what I wanted, letting the enemy lead. I wasn't praying, I wasn't studying, I didn't have an active relationship with Jesus and I had my spiritual defenses down to be nowhere in sight and leaving me wide open for an attack.
The downward spiral began without my noticing or, maybe I did I was just too far down to realize that I was not walking with God but with satan. There were days, however, that I knew I didn't have God with me and I would call out to him. I would cry and pray and ask for an escape from where I was but I would hear nothing. Things continued downward from 2017 and in late March 2018, I found myself in a dark place. I was ready to just give up. I felt like there was no hope for me, no going back.
Finally, there was one day where I just couldn't go on anymore I needed my Father and unlike the previous times, this time I begged God to help me and I had faith. So much faith. The previous times I called out to our Father I would do it in vain, not believing he actually cared or could actually hear me. I felt so unworthy of him and of being heard by him. This is what happens when we have the enemy in our heads. This time my calling out to him was different, I needed him so desperately and he was there, my Lord God was there. He lifted me, wrapped his arms around me and comforted me. He began to restore me slowly yet quickly at the same time ( I know, it's odd).
Today, I feel so much better. That's not to say I don't struggle still but I am walking with the Lord, allowing him to walk with me. Reading James in the Bible helped refocus and restore me. I began to seek Him and He was faithful in revealing Himself to me. A verse that I hold dearly is from Matthew 6:33. Every time I think of this verse it refocuses my attention to seeking the kingdom of God and not my own.
I don't know if this post is all over the place or if it even makes sense. I ultimately hope you understand the importance of always keeping the armor God has provided us with on to defend us from the enemy that would love to see us perish into an abyss faraway from our Lord. If you are going through a period like the one I was, I hope this encourages and helps you see that it's never too late to call out to God and allow him in. You are beautiful, amazing, loved, cared for and worth it. We don't deserve forgiveness but thankfully God is good and merciful, full of grace and love for us. He sent Jesus because he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us.
Thank you for reading, I hope you have a lovely day!